Tuesday, April 04, 2006

Nice Try: Baroid Takes Aim At Fans


Bonds plays darts on Opening Day
Originally uploaded by wonderbread74.

ALLEGED SYRINGE NOTHING BUT A BASTER

Barry Bonds is adding the fans to the list of people he's belligerent with on a daily basis.

When he labeled the object thrown on the field during yesterday's opening day in San Diego a "syringe" it became a potential buzzword for fans as a whole as out of control.

Except, it wasn't a syringe with the imagery of a thin, sharp needle, nor was it the turkey baster that Padres GM Sandy Alderson called it, but something along the lines of a device used to irrigate a wound or dental work.

Along with the numerous funny and bizarre signs and the angry boos, the syringe toss is a bad omen for things to come.

The intense heat of the steroid scandal and Bonds's march to 714 (and 755) is going to hurt him way before his elderly athletics body does.

Earlier, today, the Associated Press reported that Bonds's aunt, former Olympian, Rosie Kriedler was recently living out of her car and now living with public assistance. Whether Bonds knew of this and offer no help is of no consequence, but likely to get more personal and instrusive.

Wednesday, September 07, 2005

Coliseum Quote Of The Day

"DON'T TOUCH ANYTHING. THERE'S A LOT OF DIRTY LITTLE THINGS IN HERE."
Said by a man speaking to his three little children in the men's restroom behind section 225 at McAfee Coliseum.

Friday, August 05, 2005

Yanking Your Chain

A man posing as a Yankees executive called a New York talk radio station to say a steroid suspension for Jason Giambi was imminent come Friday.

Another man, saying he was Giambi, called a competing Top 40 radio station requesting Milli Vanilli's "Blame it on the Rain"

Monday, August 01, 2005

Mind Freak

If nothing else, it looks like Swinging Sammy Sosa has a promising career as a sidekick on A&E's "Mind Freak". How the hell does he levitate like that????

Thursday, July 28, 2005

Armstrong Rates Our Ball Jokes

1. My balls are so sweaty [How sweaty are they?] They're so sweaty that Morton's wants to harvest them for salt. NOT FUNNY

2. When Lance Armstrong gets drunk he likes to give Sheryl Crow the, somewhat dreaded, one-eyed Arabian goggle. NOT FUNNY

3. Sheryl Crow announced that dating a guy with one ball is not one of her "Favorite Mistakes". NOT FUNNY

4. The French are planning on building a geodesic globe next to the Eiffel Tower--hanging just to the left--in honor of Lance Armstrong. MILDLY FUNNY

5. Lance Armstrong's yellow wristbands, at $1, is a really good deal for a scrot band.
Five
FIVE IS SO-SO

6. The key to winning seven consecutive Tour de France? A ball to the left, kickstand to the right.
Six
SIX AIN'T BAD

7. Take me out to the ball game. Take me out to the crowd. Buy me some custom made drawers and nandrolone. I don't care if Sheryl ever comes back"
Seven
SEVEN IS ALRIGHT

8. What was the key to Armstrong's victory? He took the lead early and dominated the race Like Kobe on a white chick!
One
YEAH, THAT'S A GOOD ONE!

Wednesday, July 27, 2005

Between Me and My Agent

The Eagles' Terrell Owens says he may holdout from the start of Philly's training camp. In related news, prison camp also opened for a few NFL players. They're holding out for different reasons.

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

Homo Erectus

One of our reporters recently interviewed Brett Favre and the indication is that Brett is either gay.…or….not straight. Here’s just a small piece of the interview, please judge for yourself:

Reporter: Hello Brett, thanks for being here. If you don’t mind, we’ll jump right into the questions.

Brett: Thanks for having me, fire away.

Reporter: With all the attention that Tom Cruise has brought to Scientology, tell us a little about your own beliefs. For example, what are your thoughts on reincarnation?

Brett: There’s no doubt that we all come back as kinder, gentler creatures. In fact, if I had a choice, I’d prefer to be reincarnated as a gay bumble bee. The idea of pollinating flowers just sings to me!”

Well, there you go folks, nothing says “flamer” like a gay bumble bee. Check in for future installs of our interview with Brett Favre. The myth, the man, the gay caballero.

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

Timmy Brown Retires As A Raidah

Tim Brown signed with the Raiders for one day this week. Brown ran a few routes and caught a few passes two yards past the line of scrimmage and fell over without being touched.

Said Al Davis, "He hasn't lost a step."

Sunday, July 17, 2005

Running of The Bulls


Pamplona, Spain - July 2005

Pictured on the left is a bull named “Me So Horny”. Featured on the right is Miguel Martinez Rodriguez Sancho Padilla Julio Iglesias Delgado II.

After being rectally violated by Me So Horny, MMRSPJID looked into pressing charges against the bull. He later learned that “animal cruelty” is typical a charge in which a person has abused an animal – getting your hemorrhoids lanced by a bull doesn’t qualify.

In the meantime, MMRSPJID is selling souvenir T-shirts that picture a small man bent over with his pants down, it reads, “I ran with the bulls and took the bull by the horns.”

Golf Quote #1


"Golfing in the heat is like having sex in a sauna – it’s hard to get a consistent stroke when your balls are stuck to your leg."
- Jason Tracey, 2005

Friday, July 15, 2005


BALCO's Victor Conte
Originally uploaded by wonderbread74.

Victor Conte is due in court today to plead guilty to steroid distribution, money laundering and having the gayest mustache in the world.

Brown Cow Curling


Now that baseball and softball have been removed from the Olympics, I think there's room for some new sports....how about some brown cow curling?

The sound effect are priceless!

Thursday, July 14, 2005

Poll: How Would You Fix Hockey?

The National Hockey League will be back in business this fall. What would you like done to regenerate interest in the game?

A) Cut ticket prices

B) Make more rule changes

C) Create more offense

D) Teach me the rules

E) Cause global temperatures to drastically decrease in Northern California

F) Explain to me why a "hip check" isn't more than a fat lady knocking you off course during a manic run to the buffet line

G) Have a Filippino announcer call games on national TV. "Dey pass it to LeClair. He chutes da fuck. Da Plyers score! Da Pilladelpia Plyers win!"

Vote by leaving your answer in the comments section

Saturday, July 09, 2005

Tastes Like Chicken?

Bill Walton says “Throw it dooown big man.”

He does NOT say “Go dooown on the big man.”

Damn rookie!

Thursday, July 07, 2005

No Deal Lucille

The NHL and the players' association are closing in on a new collective bargaining agreement, but both sides denied a report Thursday that a deal had been reached.

Good job guys, you haven’t had a deal for the past year and a half, you’ve already canceled the entire season, and now you’re holding conferences to deny reports of a deal? That’s like me inviting all of my friends together to announce that I’m still not a billionaire – it’s just not necessary. Just do your thing and we’ll assume the status quo until we hear otherwise – you numb nuts.

Side note...

Webster’s dictionary defines “numb nut” as – one whose nuts are numb.

Wednesday, July 06, 2005

Hot Diggity Dog

Kobayashi, 27, captured the Nathan's Famous hot dog eating contest Monday, gobbling a nauseating 49 dogs in 12 minutes -- but missing his own world record of 53½, set at last year's July Fourth competition.

The win means the coveted Mustard Yellow Belt will return to Japan for the ninth year out of the past 10. New Jersey's Steve Keiner, who won in 1999, is the only American to capture the title in the past decade.

Kobayashi, of Nagano, stands 5 feet 7 inches and weighs just 144 pounds.
The runner-up was Sonya Thomas of Alexandria, Va. -- known as The Black Widow on the competitive-eating circuit -- who set an American record by downing 37 hot dogs in the same 12 minutes.

Wow, this brings so many ideas to mind…where do I start?

1. Is it wrong to be turned on by the idea of a woman that can eat 37 hot dogs in 12 minutes? Can she handle a foot long?

2. I watched this contest on TV and the announcers repeatedly referred to this as a sport. Is that possible? Has eating become a sport? If so, I’m fairly certain that I didn’t get the memo. Oh, and get this, they actually said that Kobayashi is the Lance Armstrong of his sport – what a hoot! They went even further and started comparing him to Michael Jordon and Tiger Woods. If I was Jordon or Tiger, I’d sue for libel.

3. If shoving meet down your throat was truly a sport, I think we could field a good olypmpic team with some of the street girls over in the city.

4. The only reason I’m writing this blog is to segway to something that I wouldn’t normally consider being a sport, but now that we’ve established that the Mustard Yellow Belt ranks up there with the Yellow Jersey, here goes…

I was at Starbucks this evening; it was next door to a Jenny Craig. JC had a sign in the window that quoted Kirsty Alley as saying, “The food is the yummiest!” Oh common Kirsty, have you ever found a food that you didn’t like?!! I’ll tell you what, why don’t you come up with a list of foods that you DON'T like and we’ll go from there.

5. And finally, I’d like to take this opportunity to educate our readers of additional ways to use the name of our website. For example: Kirsty Alley jumped on the pound cake like Kobe on a white chick. Stay tuned for more examples.

I'm With Stupid

BANGKOK, Thailand — This big one did not get away. Thai fishermen netted a 646-pound catfish believed to have been the world's largest freshwater fish ever caught in Thailand.

The fishermen had hoped to sell the fish to environmental groups, which planned to release it to spawn upriver, but it died before it could be handed over and then was chopped up and sold in pieces to villagers as food.

Overheard conversation:

Thai Guy #1: “Hey, let’s sell this monster fish.”

Thai Guy #2: “Ok, how will we keep it alive?”

Thai Guy #1: “Let’s drag it onto land and pose it on a dry, sandy tarp while the sun beats down on it.”

Thai Guy #2: “Brilliant!”

Zip It!

As Dr. Evil would say, "Would you like a suckle of my zipple?"

Monkey Business

My buddy took this picture of me hitting from the sand trap. They say the camera adds 10 pounds but in this case, I think it added 10 pounds of hair!

Granted, I'm already hairy but now I've got hair on my head! How did that get there?!! I'm starting to think this is a doctored photo...but on the other hand, look at my stance...it's flawless!

Nice grip Jason, now shake it like a poloroid picture!

Rejoke #1 - Balls and Strikes

Steve already mentioned that I like to rejoke everything. Here's one that my buddy Jeff told me a few weeks ago...

For the guys out there....there's a new game you can play whenever you take your woman to a baseball came....you kiss her on all the strikes....she kisses you on the balls. Would ya!

Please note, the above picture is from an advertisement for "Stay White Baseballs". I just want to know when they're going to come out with "Stay White - Tighty Whities".

Tuesday, July 05, 2005

Armstrong Uni-Balling His Way To The Yellow Jersey

Lance Armstrong has taken the lead at the Tour de France. Donning the yellow jersey is great. But, it's not what he has but what he doesn't that is so perplexing.

Armstrong is on target for his unprecedented seventh straight Tour victory. You're telling me there isn't a professional cyclist in the world with two testicles that is able to beat him at least once? Or, maybe the uni-balling Armstrong has some strange competitive advantage in the all-important crotchial aero dynamics.

Rogers: All-American Man

Kenny Rogers, the pitcher for the Texas Rangers who shoved a cameraman last week, was named to the American League All-Star team Sunday.

It was a good day for The Gambler. Earlier he was named the Ultimate Fighting Championship Father of the Year.

Sunday, July 03, 2005

Wimbledon

On Saturday, July 2, 2005, Venus Williams beat Lindsay Davenport for the women’s singles title at Wimbledon. Despite the victory, Williams cringes at the thought of actually using her newly won silver plated diaphragm.

Like Nike would say, Just Do It!

Friday, July 01, 2005

Ball Check

I’ve got you RIGHT where I want you!

England's fullback Tom Voyce tries to escape the clutches of Argentina's winger Rafael Carbello during Churchill Cup rugby action in Edmonton June 26, 2005. Voyce scored two tries in England's 45-16 triumph.

Not only does Carbello look more like a baller than a winger - they forgot to mention that he too scored at least once. I might add that Carbello was all over Voyce...like Kobe on a white chick.

Wednesday, June 29, 2005

Hit Parade

Houston Astros' Craig Biggio reacts after getting hit by a pitch from Colorado Rockies starting pitcher Byung-Hyun Kim. Biggio set a new Major League Baseball record when he was hit by the pitch, which was the 268th time in his career that he was plunked. The previous record was held by Don Baylor.

Its official, Biggio has been tagged more times than Steve’s mom.